


Finding My Place

by AlexandraRobins



Category: Alexandra Robin's Origins
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Autism, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12051963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandraRobins/pseuds/AlexandraRobins
Summary: A story of a girl who just wants to find her place in the world. Constantly bullied for being different. She finally sees a Psychologist after waiting many years. Then the change begins.





	1. Introduction

Uh, hi there. My name is… Well, that’s the thing. I don’t necessarily want people to know what my birth name is. I absolutely hate it. Well, I don’t hate the name itself but I hate when people call me by that name… Technically it still is my name though because I haven’t had the money to change it yet. I prefer to be called Alexandra. Actually, just call me Alex. Please don’t refer to me as my birth name if you do happen to figure it out. It makes my skin crawl and I feel sick when people call me by that name. Just, don’t. Please. 

Anyway, I am writing this book to help some people understand mental illness’ and disabilities a bit more. It is to help some people understand from the point of view of me and people in similar situations of what life can be like for us. In this book I will not be using my real birth name and you probably already know that Alexandra Robins is my pen name. People in this story and the locations that go with it will be changed to avoid unnecessary situations. 

 

I sit in the waiting area, waiting. Obviously. Waiting for what you wonder? Well, I am waiting to see the Psychologist. I’ve been waiting to see a proper Psychologist for years now. Finally, my time has come. I am quite nervous. I don’t really know what to expect. I mean… Is it going to be the same as the media tells me? Are all Psychologist’s like the one I saw recently?

I fiddle with my fingers and look at the clock. The second-hand ticks loudly. It is making me more and more anxious and is quite annoying. I hate analog clocks... Why can’t they just tell me the time quietly? Does it really have to continue to make noise to constantly remind me that I am about to do something new that could potentially change my life? Ugh. My entire right leg starts tapping the floor. Something that happens often when I am nervous or bored. I look back at the clock again. There’s still nine minutes left until my appointment. I internally growl at myself for showing up early. Why can’t I just come five minutes early like other people? Why can’t I be normal? 

“You okay Ro-ro?” Lilith asks me.  
I look at her and sigh. “I am really nervous.” I whisper as I fiddle with my fingers and tap my leg more.  
“It’ll be okay. Don’t worry. Lisa is a really good Psychologist. I think you’ll like her.” Lilith smiles warmly at me which slightly calms my nerves.  
“But…” I stutter. “What if she doesn’t like me?”  
Lilith chuckles softly. “She likes me. I think she will like you. It’ll be okay. Calm Ro-ro. Calm.” Lilith places a hand on my shoulder. “She won’t be like the horrible excuse of a Psychologist you saw a few weeks ago.”

I roll my eyes at that thought and I immediately think of my family. I shudder at the thought of them. The previous Psychologist I saw didn’t even try to talk about my problems without causing harm. She just went and yanked the band-aid off and let the wound reopen. Family? HA! They treat me horribly. All I’ve ever done is try to suck up to them and they just. Ugh. The so called Psychologist picked my brain for emotions but no meanings to them. I found out shortly after that she was still training in University and she wanted to use me for her homework. That really hurt. It made sense to why she had to record the session. I stand and pace back and forth for the remaining of the waiting time. 

 

I look at the clock and as though on Que, my new Psychologist opens her door and gestures me in. I and Lilith walk in and she closes the door behind me. I look at the room, there are three chairs to sit in and the Psychologist’s chair behind the desk. I look around the room for a few moments to decide what to do. I choose the chair closest to the door so I can face her. I may have difficulty looking into people’s eyes but it doesn’t mean I can’t make an attempt to be polite. I want to make a good first impression. Don’t come off as insane Alex. Don’t scare her off like everyone else. 

“Hello Jennifer. My name is Lisa. It’s nice to finally meet you. Lilith talks good things of you.” She used my birth name! A shiver crawls down my spine and I close my eyes for a moment. No, no, no! I push back the bad memories to the best of my abilities but a few of them push through the barrier. “JENNIFER GET HERE RIGHT NOW!” A scream echoes through my mind and I whimper softly. The echo dies down and I reopen my eyes.

I am met with Lisa, whom is smiling warmly at me and I feel awkward. She seems friendly enough. I can already tell she is friendlier than the previous Psychologist. 

I reach behind me and drag the pillow from the chair onto my lap. I hug the pillow tightly to my chest and try to look into her eyes. Immediately I feel like there is a huge weight on my chest and I look away. She doesn’t seem to notice. 

“Hi.” I speak quietly. “Please call me Alexandra… Or Alex. I… I really don’t like that name.” I say softly.  
Lisa nods her head in understanding and writes it down. “That’s okay. I’ll call you Alex.” She looks at me and has her pen ready to write. “So, Alex. What has brought you here today?”  
What? I scan my brain for a simple explanation but instead thousands of memories flood through. Why am I here? Answer the question dammit! But… Why am I here? It’s quite obvious that I am here to get help but… I open my mouth to answer and nothing comes out. I begin to panic. What do I say?! I internally scream. 

“She has a horrible family and a bad past and needs help recovering from them. She also is confused about whether or not she has any mental disabilities that she does not know about.” Lilith answers for me and then winks at me. 

I let out the breath I have been holding in. “Thank you Lilly.” I whisper. 

Lisa looks at Lilith and then back to me. “Talk to me.” She says with a smile. 

“About what?” I ask.

“Anything, talk about the first thing that comes to mind.” She prepares her pen again and looks at her paper. 

The first thing that comes to mind huh? My childhood and how I am so different. 

“Ever since I was a child, I’ve been treated differently no matter how much I try to fit in. In primary school I was constantly bullied for being ‘weird’. I even got the nickname ‘Roadkill’ because people wanted to avoid me and they thought I was ugly. I tried hard to make friends but no matter how much I tried, I was still bullied and ridiculed. I don’t know why people hated me. I became friends with two people though. One who I don’t talk to anymore and the other I still talk to on occasion. His name is Tom. We kinda clicked when I met him. We were both weird. We both had amazing imaginations.” I gesture my hands out wide. “We would play heaps of games that required it and go into massive detail but none of the other kids could keep up with our shenanigans and they would hate us for that.”

I pause to let Lisa write down what she needed and think about what to say next. Oh, I can tell her about the time I got lost in the mall! Wait, do I really need to mention that? Oh what the heck, why not. I feel slightly anxious about the memories… but I’m also excited to share them. “Once my mother lost me in the mall.”  
Lisa looks up from her notes at me with an amused look. I continue. “I was three years old and my mother was pregnant with my younger brother, she was just about ready to pop! This was back when my parents were still together. We were walking to the food court and I asked her if I could ride the little car that they had displayed.”  
I pause and think of how to explain the little car. “It was a red car that your kids can sit in and pretend to drive while the parents walk around. Sort of like a pram. Keeps the kid entertained without the worry of them causing havoc.” Lisa smiles at the thought of a car pram.  
“Anyway, I asked if I could ride in the car and my mum told me no. We continued to the food court and chose a table. My dad walked off to get the food and I told mum I was going to follow him.” I begin to chuckle at the memory.  
“I ran off to follow him but dad returned to the table without me. Mum asked him where I was and he said he thought I was with her. They both argue and freak out about where I am. Security guards get involved and the entire mall goes into lock down. They check the parking lots and don’t let anyone leave without making sure I wasn’t with them. THREE HOURS LATER they find me sitting in one of the little cars with a giant grin on my face. Waiting to go for a ride.” I laugh out loud at how funny their reaction would have been. I probably got into a lot of trouble though. 

Lisa has a look on her face. I don’t know how to explain it but it seems like she is knowing of something. “Do you often get so distracted that you walk off?” I look at Lilith for a moment and look back at Lisa and nod. “I often get distracted when I am in public. Especially in the shops. If I see something interesting, I might walk to it without telling Lilith and she looses me. I don’t mean to not tell her. It’s just… There’s nothing in the world at that moment except for getting to that thing I want to see or touch.” I stroke the pillow slowly. It’s soft. It’s comforting. I squeeze it tighter against my chest. 

Lisa cocks an eyebrow. “Touch? So you’ll go to something just to touch it?” 

“Yeah, I love touching different textures. If I see something like a plush toy or jewelry, I most likely have to touch it. If I don’t, my chest gets tight and uncomfortable and it makes me sad. I hate that feeling. I have to touch the thing. I find it incredibly difficult to ignore this feeling.” 

Lisa scribbles down some notes and looks at me. “Are there any other senses of yours that seem to be… Heightened?” She asks. 

I think for a moment. “My eyes are sensitive to sunlight, it hurts for me to walk around outside on a nice sunny day. I have to wear a hat or I can’t see… Even if I am not facing the sun… I can’t stand loud noises or certain pitches, they make my brain and my ears hurt. Uhhh… I love head and back pats. They help me calm down if I know the person well. I feel comfort in pats. It helps me come back to the world if I feel lost.” I think for a moment. What else is there? Oh! “I also can’t stand certain clothing material. Some materials make me super itchy and uncomfortable and if I am forced to wear it, I cry.” I think about the shirt at home. I bought it because I thought it looked pretty. I tried it on and literally cried for half an hour because I couldn’t wear it. “Heck, I don’t even have to be forced, I could try it on because I want to wear it and then cry for a long time because the feeling is like needles scraping across my skin. Sort of like an allergic reaction.” 

I spend the rest of the session telling Lisa about what things I think are what make me different and why I was bullied in high school. The reasons I was given from each bully. Things ranging from my senses to how I react to certain situations, fears and hobbies. We book another session for two weeks from now. Lisa guides me and Lilith out to the hallway. “It was nice to meet you Alex. I hope you have a nice day. You too Lilith. See you next time.” She closes the door. 

 

Lilith places her hand on my shoulder and smiles. “See, that wasn’t so bad now was it?”  
I look up at her and smile softly. “I like her. She has a calming niceness to her.”  
Lilith messes up my hair and chuckles. “I told you, you would.”  
I screech and push her hand off my head. I spend the next few moments fixing my hair and making it feel comfortable again. “Bitch.” I whisper.  
Lilith laughs. “How about we go get some food?” She asks me.  
“We haven’t got much money.” I reply in a disappointed tone. “We can’t afford it.”

We are poor. We both survive off of government payments because we are having heaps of trouble getting jobs. I can’t get a job because I am a nervous wreck and have no experience, as well as a few other problems. Lilith can’t get a job because she is currently transitioning from male to female. She looks pretty feminine but she still has a deep voice and stupid strangers still refer to her as ‘he’ and ‘sir’. It makes me really upset that I can’t do more for her. Especially the fact that she has to wear a thick trench coat any where she goes due to the people who live in the same building. They knew her before she began transitioning but they are not open minded. When one person found out, he pulled her hair in the corridor of the building and threatened to kill her if she didn’t stop being messed up in the head and listened to the word of god.

Lilith and I start walking towards the exit. “I am pretty sure we can spend a little bit of money to get some celebratory food for you.”  
I feel warm and fuzzy. A good kind. “Celebratory food? What for?” I ask.  
She turns to me and looks me in the eyes. I look back into her eyes. I don’t feel awkward when I look into her eyes. I feel calmed. “You finally did it. You found a psychologist who can help you.”  
The words click in my head and my eyes widen. Wait. I actually found help? My body gets a burst of energy and I squeal to release it. I then jump and hug Lilith tightly.  
“Thank you.” I say. “Thank you for helping me.” I let her go and jump up and down. “I’m finally going to get answers!” I say loudly. My eyes are closed tight as I let the excitement and relief wash over me. I can finally, finally find what I’ve been looking for since I was a kid. Answers. Answers to the incredibly complicated questions I’ve had since I was ten. Ten years. That’s how long this has taken. That’s a long time to go with unanswered questions. It won’t be too much longer now.  
Lilith giggles and shushes me. “We aren’t outside yet bubs.” She says quietly as she softly pats my hair..  
I cover my mouth but continue jumping up and down as we walk out the door. 

 

After we’ve eaten and I get home, I cuddle Lilith for a while on the couch. She is watching the television and I have my phone in my hands.  
“Lilly… Thank you…” I look up at her. “I mean it. Thank you.” I whisper as I nuzzle into her neck.  
Lilith chuckles and pets my head. “You don’t have to keep thanking me. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I couldn’t help you when you needed it?”  
I smile and kiss her on the cheek. “A pretty lousy one.” I close my eyes.  
“Exactly. But I am awesome so I’m going to help you any time I can!” 

I want to marry this girl. She knows it too. We’ve both spoken about it on many occasions. We are going to marry and then adopt a young girl from Japan. Lots of people keep mentioning that because Lilith was diagnosed as male when she was born, we could technically get married. We both believe that if we got married, it would be unfair to other people who want to get married to the same gender. Also, Lilith has legally changed her name and gender on her original birth certificate. Her birth certificate that has her birth name and gender have been destroyed. Legally of course. I don’t like the idea of breaking the law. The reason they did it is because she was supposed to be born female as she has ovaries and her twin that passed away a while back was also female. 

Lilith goes back to watching the television and I open Facebook on my phone. I look through the available job listings and apply for a few as usual. I see a post from a guy saying that he needs a job as soon as possible but he does not have experience. I look at the replies underneath and someone said they needed a new kitchen hand the very next day and that it was easy and paid good. This person said this several hours ago. The guy has not replied yet. I see an opportunity and I take it. I click on the employers name and go to send her a message. 

“Hello, my name is Alex. I noticed you are looking for someone as a kitchen hand to start tomorrow. If the person you asked does not reply, I’d be up for the job.”  
A few minutes pass and she replies. “Even if he doesn’t, would you like to come in anyway?” I smile and squeal out loud. Two good things in one day? I must be dreaming. I never come across luck this good!  
Lilith tilts her head and looks at me in confusion. “What’s up?” She asks me.  
”I might be starting a new job tomorrow!” I yell happily. I clutch my phone to my chest and kick my feet around excitedly. This is so exciting.  
Lilith perks up and takes my phone from my hands. I allow it and continue to kick and throw my body around in excitement. I just can’t contain it. “Go on, reply.” She says happily as she passes me my phone. I take it and reply. 

Me: Yes, definitely. Could you please answer a few questions for me though?  
Her: Yes.  
Me: What does the job entail?  
Her: It is an all rounder job. Front of house and Kitchen Hand.  
Me: Where is it?  
Her: ___________________ (I can’t reveal the location)

I pull up a map application on my phone and search the address. Relief pours into my heart as I see the distance is only a fifteen minute drive from my home. Tingles radiate in my chest as I realize my life is finally taking a positive turn. 

Me: Awesome, that’s pretty close to me. What’s the pay rate?  
Her: $21 an hour plus casual loading.  
Me: Great! What time do you want me in tomorrow?  
Her: Can you come in at 4pm?  
Me: Perfect. I’ll see you then.

I put my phone down and shake Lilith violently. “I’ve got a trial shift tomorrow!” I squeal.  
She holds my hands still and laughs. “I know, I was here. Remember?” She leans forward and kisses my forehead.  
I bite my lip. “Oops.” I look at my phone and see the time. 10pm.  
“We should probably go to bed, I need to get some clothes and stuff before the shift.” I gasp and slap my forehead. “I didn’t ask her what to wear. Ugh.”  
I pick up my phone again and reconnect it to the wifi. 

Me: Oh, sorry, this is the last question. What should I wear?”  
Her: Black.  
Me: Is a plain t-shirt okay?  
Her: Yes.  
Me: Am I able to wear my lucky necklace?  
Her: Yes.  
Me: Hair tied up?  
Her: Yep.  
Me: Thank you very much. See you tomorrow.  
Her: No worries. 

I look at her replies and frown. “Is she mad that I keep asking questions?” I ask.  
Lilith looks at the more recent messages. “She is probably just working, is all. Don’t worry.” 

 

Lilith changes the television to a cartoon channel. We both turn the lights off, check the door is locked and then lie down in bed. I look around and whimper.  
“What’s wrong bub?” She asks. Before I answer she knows what is wrong and smiles at me. “Don’t worry, I’ll get Suey for you.” She sits up and reaches for the chair nearby where Suey is lying. She passes me the plush dog and I snuggle into it and hug it really tightly.  
“Thank you.” I say in a childish tone with my head pushed into Suey’s face. 

Lilith squeaks and says “You’re so damn cute!” I blush and punch her in the arm. “Shut up.” I whine.  
“Awww.” Lilith teases.  
I growl and look up at her. “Neh!” I stick my tongue at her and she winks at me. I playfully roll over in mock anger.  
She grabs me and hugs me tight. “You’re so silly. I love you.” She says happily.  
“I love you too, you meanie.” I continue the childish tone. 

The night passes quickly, though I find it difficult to sleep.


	2. A New Environment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds herself in a series of difficult situations as she tries to prepare for her new job.

I wake in shock and look around. My head hurts. I grab my phone and turn off the alarm. I hate my alarm. It only wakes me because I hate the tone. It’s super high pitched and the volume of which it plays hurts my ears. I look at the time. It is eleven in the morning. Yuck. I hate waking up early. Yes, this is early for me. 

I roll over and look at Lilith. She is peacefully asleep with a few strands of hair hanging down over her face. I softly brush them behind her ear and smile. She may not believe it but she is so beautiful. I love her. I love waking up and seeing her fast asleep. When she is asleep, the haunting taunts of bothersome strangers don’t bother her. In her sleep, she can rest… Most of the time anyway. 

I gently place my arm on her shoulder and shake her softly. “Lilly, it’s time to get up.” I whisper to her.   
Lilith’s face scrunches up a little and she lets out a small groan. “Five more minutes please.” She whispers.   
Before I can respond, she is already fast asleep. “How do you sleep so easily?” I whisper with a smile. 

I push the blankets off me and instantly feel the cold. I wish this home was able to hold heat better. Unfortunately though, however cold or hot it is outside, it is the same inside. I don’t understand why, but it doesn’t matter if we use a heater or a fan. I groan as I begin to shiver due to the freezing temperature in which encases my entire being. It’s freezing. I just want to stay in bed but I have to find clothes and shower and get dressed and relax before I start my first shift at work. I get stressed way to easily and I don’t want to be stressed out before I even begin. 

I hear a small meow from the bedroom. Oh no! I forgot to tuck Pixie into bed last night! I instantly sit up and run to the door. I open it and a small kitten rubs against my legs, purring instantly. I pick her up and push my face into her fur. So soft. I rub my face all over her and she continues to purr. The sound relaxes me. I pull her into a hug. I whisper “I’m sorry Pixie.” Over and over. She struggles a little and I put her down. “Are you hungry baby?” I ask happily. She meows in response and walks back into the room to her food bowl. 

I have to have Pixie in the bedroom overnight as she is too small to run around the entire house and will get into mischief. Lilith and I have our mattress in the lounge room and live out there because the bedroom is too small and there is a tree right outside the window that sets our asthma off no matter what time of the year it is. So I set the room up to take care of my pets. 

I open a sachet of kitten food and empty it into Pixie’s bowl. I then open the dry food and pour some into another bowl and then fill her water bowl. She sits and happily eats her wet food as she purrs. Pixie rarely doesn’t purr. I’m so lucky to have her. 

I look over to the other side of the room at the giant tank in which holds my lizard. I walk over and wave at Max, who is happily sitting on her rock.   
”Good morning Maxie!” I say in a friendly tone. She looks over and acknowledges my existence. Others are unable to see it, but I can tell when Max is happy. It looks to me like she is smiling. She is adorable. I take the lid off and softly pat the top of her head. She closes her eyes and pushes into my hand for more pats. Blue tongue lizards are so friendly. When I finish giving Max attention, I quickly pat Pixie and then go to the bathroom. 

I look in the mirror. Medium length dark brown hair. Flat, no life. My hair has always been this way. No matter what hair products I use. I look like crap. I turn the tap on and put my hands under. Ack! It’s super cold! I pull my hands back as they begin to hurt from the cold. As my hands drip with water, I rub them over my face. I used to hate getting water on my face, but I found it wakes me up more if I do this. I turn the tap off and pick up my towel to dry my face. It’s gross and crunchy. I sigh and throw it towards the washing machine. There’s a giant pile of clothes waiting to be washed but we currently don’t have enough money to buy washing detergent. 

 

I undress and turn the shower on, the water sprays everywhere out of every joint. I really need to get this shower fixed. It seems like the duration of my showers are getting shorter each time due to the amount of water that is lost from spraying at the roof. I wait for the water to heat up and stand under it. I close my eyes as the relaxing heat washes over my body. Warming me up and getting rid of my cold induced goosebumps. 

My thoughts trail and I begin to think of Matthew. I frown. He and I used to be so close… We were almost siblings we were so close. We’d plan our schedules so we could hang out every day after work or appointments. If he wasn’t at my house watching television or playing card games, we’d be talking on our microphones over the internet while playing games. My chest hurts at how much I miss him. 

Around Christmas, one of my old high school friends named Hazel moved in with Lilith and I due to an emergency. Her fiance cheated on her and she lost her job and he kicked her out calling her a nuisance. Anyway, she and Matt became super close within a few weeks and everything turned for the worse. Matt and her started dating and I was no longer spending time with Matt. He always invited her out to spend time with him and never made time for me. He didn’t even bother to check up on me. He just… Vanished. As though our relationship never meant anything. It really hurt. 

What really upset me is that Hazel was known for dating people for any reason other than love. She was known for getting around. Often. I warned Matt about this but he didn’t care. He even got annoyed at me. The fact that Hazel managed to get him to do anything for her was a mystery to me since I’d never seen Matt have any romantic or sexual attraction to anything in the seven years that I was friends with him. 

Anyway, I tried to spend time with him but he kept being “busy” or “not in the mood”. He and Hazel would be out of the house up until five in the morning. Lilith and I asked Hazel to come back at midnight as we couldn’t put the lock on the door until she was back. It was the same story every night. “I got distracted.” She wasted so much food that we prepared for her for dinner but then she’d get her own food. 

A month into having Hazel living with us, things began to settle a little a bit and Matt was able to put a few hours a week out of his “busy” schedule to spend time with me. But that didn’t last long and we stopped being friends for a while. When we made up though, it wasn’t anything reminiscent of what our friendship used to be. 

Tears run down my face as I think of the broken relationship I had with him. We still talk once every few days and Hazel lives with him now but things are definitely not the same anymore. I put my hand over my face and rub my eyes as the water from the shower hits them. I hate getting water on my face in the shower. Why did I ever let Hazel come and live with us? She ruined everything between Matt and I. We used to be so close that people mistook us for a couple. Don’t get me wrong though, I never had romantic feelings towards him. All my feelings were friendly. We had so much in common and we could talk until the sun was up. But now? I don’t even know how to talk to him. He has changed so much in just a few months. He isn’t the Matt that I once knew. 

 

I turn the shower off and shake all the water off my body like a dog. I step out of the shower and realization hits me. I groan out loud as I remember that my towel was unusable. I shiver as I stand and wonder how to get dry. I think back to my bed. My warm, warm bed with my love in it. I slowly open the bathroom door and shiver back to the bed. I fall flat onto the bed and steal all the blankets and wrap myself up. 

Lilith groans and goes to pull the blankets back over her and feels they are wet. “What the?” She exclaims as she sits up. She sees me lying on the bed, soaking wet with the blanket pulled over me. She chuckles and crawls over the top of me and hugs me. “Ro-ro’s back.” She whispers as she closes her eyes to try go back to sleep. She has a giant grin on her face.   
”Lilly no!” I squeal. I struggle to push her off me but she remains unmoved. I feel the warmth of the cuddle envelope me. My eyes get heavy and I yawn. If she doesn’t get off me, I’m going to fall back asleep! I push her and she hugs me tighter. “Get off! We need to wake up! Not go back to sleep!” I yell.   
Lilith makes a happy sigh noise and squeezes me. “Rorobear is so cuddly.” She whispers.   
I sigh in defeat. “Fiiiine.” I whine. “Only five minutes.” I whisper. I close my eyes and sleep takes over. 

 

I wake a few hours later and pick up my phone. It’s two in the afternoon. I scream and sit up suddenly. Lilith sits up and yawns. “What’s wrong?” She asks.   
“I start work in two hours and I don’t have clothes to wear and we need to leave early so I’m not late and-” Before I finish my sentence, Lilith covers my mouth.   
“Shhh. It’s okay. Don’t get yourself worked up. It’ll be okay.” She smiles at me and throws the blanket off the both of us and tosses it across the room.   
I squeal as I am rushed by the cold. Goosebumps run across my skin. I leap onto Lilith and hug her. “It’s cold!” I yell.   
She chuckles. “I know it is. It’ll wake you up quickly.” She stands and pushes me off. “Come on Alex.” She tosses my clothes to me. “We’ll leave for the shops now and get you a new shirt and dress pants.”  
I put my clothes on as fast as I can. I tie up my hair and put on my lucky necklace in which has a Yin and Yang pendant. We both lock up the apartment and walk to the car in a fast pace. A red family sedan. My first car. Lilith starts up the car and drives to the nearest second hand shop. “Um… What do I do for food?” I ask her as I wait for us to get to our destination. “What do you want?” She replies. 

I tap my chin and think about the options. I’m not sure what the best energy food would be, especially since I don’t know how long I’ll be working for. I pull out my phone and send a message to a friend named Blake. “Hey, I have a trial shift today, what is the best food to eat to sustain me for the duration I am there?” A minute later, she replied telling me that lots of vegetables and something high in protein would help me out. 

I turn back to Lilith, “How much money do we have left?” I ask.   
She passes me her wallet, I open it and count the cash that is inside. “Twenty dollars to last three days.” I sigh and close the wallet again.   
“That’s plenty.” Lilith replies. “We have enough food at home to last until Friday and we are getting your clothes second hand. We should be able to get you something. What do you want?” She smiles at me and turns her attention back to the road. 

I would like a sandwich. A sub to be exact. With meatballs and carrot, lettuce, onion and some other stuff. My stomach grumbles as I think of how nice it would be to eat a nice filling sub right now. I twiddle my fingers together and whisper “Can we afford to get me a sub?” Lilith pats my head “I’ll make it work.” 

 

3:15pm comes quickly. With the help of Lilith, I was able to get a new pair of work pants and she helped me find a suitable black shirt at home. She organized things so that I could have a sub for lunch. We are currently on the drive to my new work place and I feel heck nervous. I take a bite out of my sub and the sauce drips down my chin. Oh no! Don’t go on my shirt! Please! I drop my sub back into my lap and quickly wipe my chin. Phew. That was a close call. I look down into my lap. OH NO! Sauce has spilled all over my new clean pants! I reach into my bag and get a wipe, I clean it to the best of my abilities. I hope they don’t notice. That would be really embarrassing. 

I look outside, the view is amazing. A nice country view for the entire duration of the trip so far. There are cows, horses and even sheep. I’d love to see this view every day on the way to work. It’s just so… Relaxing. I smile at the view and place my hand on the glass. This is it. After looking for a job for five years, I’ve finally gotten a trial shift. Or… Do I just have the job? Um. I have no ideas. What if I do horribly? What if everyone hates me?! I start tapping my foot and biting my lip. What if I don’t get to keep the job? All this excitement would be for nothing. 

”Alex!” Lilith says in a stern tone. I look over at her and her expression softens. “It’ll be okay. Calm down. Even if you don’t get the job, I’m proud of you for even trying.” She speaks in a soft tone and I realize that I’ve tensed up my entire being and that my sub is crushed in my hands. Oh no. I need that food. I look at her with tears in my eyes. “I broke my sandwich.” I whisper sadly.   
She smiles and chuckles softly. “It’s okay sweetie. Just eat with your hands, I have more wipes to use for when you are done. It’ll still taste the same.” I nod and dig into my food. Before I know it, we have arrived. 

 

The building is not what I was expecting. This place was supposed to be a kitchen hand job at a holiday park but… This looks like a run down motel. Lilith and I check the texts and look at the building. I have a bad feeling about this. Lilith and I discuss the situation, we decide to have her wait in the parking lot until I figure out whether or not this is the place I need to be. 

I slowly approach the doors and look at my phone. I am supposed to be starting in ten minutes. I open the doors and walk inside. The wooden walls have mould and it hurts my nose. I feel like I am going to vomit. I walk up to the counter and take a deep breath in before I speak. 

”Hello, my name is Alexandra. I think I am supposed to start employment here today as a kitchen hand?” My voice quivers as I speak. 

The lady looks confused and tilts her head. “Excuse me? I didn’t know we were expecting new employees.” She excuses herself for a moment and picks up the phone. After a few minutes of confusing banter, we realize that I am at the wrong place. The lady behind the counter chuckles at how badly I messed up. I walk out in shame and walk to the car. 

I open the door and get in. “We are at the wrong place. We continue on the long road and turn right in a few minutes. Apparently there is a giant sign that you can’t miss.” I smack my forehead and groan. “How embarrassing. She was laughing at me.”   
Lilith sighs, “Don’t worry about it sweetie. She is a bitch.”

Lilith starts up the engine and we continue down the long road. The sun shines directly into our eyes as we head towards my new work place. It is extremely uncomfortable and I have to close my eyes and cover them with my hands. After a few minutes, Lilith gets my attention and points at a sign. I gasp, just the sign looks beautiful and amazing. Lilith takes the turn and we head through the middle of a few small hills. When the new workplace comes into view, so does a massive beautiful lake with swans and a forest behind it. Whoa. It’s beautiful. I must be dreaming. 

Lilith parks the car outside and I look at the entrance. I have two minutes to spare. I quickly kiss Lilith and run inside after waving goodbye. I quickly walk up to the front desk.   
”Hello, my name is Alex. I am supposed to start employment here today. I was speaking to someone named Terrisa about it.”  
The lady behind the desk smiles and helps me get to the kitchen. We walk in and she calls out to Terrisa and then wishes me luck. She then leaves. 

 

Terrisa walks up to me and smiles. I can already tell that something is off about her. I don’t know why but her smile doesn’t seem genuine. That makes me quite nervous. She introduces herself and the rest of the team. Then guides me out of the kitchen into a giant room. The room is lined with many tables and chairs. The windows have a direct view of the lake and the roof has a few small chandeliers handing from them. This place is absolutely beautiful. I feel my anxieties just melt away by looking at it. 

I get shown to a giant serving station in the middle of the room. It has slots to hold food in and next to the station is a giant pile of plates. I get shown where the bathroom is and then go back to the kitchen. When I get there, I ask what I am supposed to do. I get asked to go help another girl with preparing… lunches?

I walk out to the back deck. This is confusing. Why are we preparing lunches? On the table are many, many small square aluminum containers. Next to the table is a giant tray full of meat and vegetables. A girl who looks to be roughly nineteen years of age approaches me and nods. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She looks kind of stuck up. Not because she is blonde though. I just know these things.   
I hold out my hand to shake hers and smile, “Hello, my name is Alex. It’s nice to meet you.”   
She scoffs at me and smiles. “I’m Kirah.” She then turns to the food and starts picking it up with her bare hands and putting them into containers.   
I instantly feel awkward as she is taking a big risk by not using gloves. “Um, are there any gloves we can use? I’m pretty sure we should be using gloves if we are handling food.”  
Kirah rolls her eyes at me and turns to the shelf nearby. She pulls out gloves for herself, puts them on and then continues to prepare the food. I knew it. She is a bit of a bitch. 

 

We spend the next hour putting food into containers and when we finally finish, I feel relieved. That time went by super quick. A guy with glasses walks out the back to us and smiles. “They get here in fifteen minutes. Want something to eat before we start?” A giant smile appears on my face at the thought of food. I rarely turn down free food. I walk to the kitchen and no one is working. They’re all sitting around and talking like best friends. I feel really out of place. I don’t know anyone. We all get some food and sit down at a table together. Everyone is happily eating and talking to each other. They act as though they are family. That makes me feel sad and awkward. I look down at my food. I’m starving. I pick up a spoonful and take a bite. As tradition happens to follow me to work, I scream as I have burnt my tongue. I take a big sip of water from my cup as everyone laughs at me. 

When my tongue settles, I gain enough courage to try ask a few questions. Maybe see if there is anyone whom I can get along with. I asked about cartoons, animals, tv shows, art, writing, novels, everything. But no one seemed the tad bit interested in any of it. No one even told me what they did like. I feel super out of place. Maybe I don’t belong here. 

When we finish eating, everyone cleans up and we walk back to the kitchen. Terrisa smiles at the time and walks out the doors. I look out the doors as heaps of children walk into the hall. Wait. Children? Is that a whole school? I look around at everyone else and they all seem to be calm and relaxed about the whole thing. Is this normal? Do we cater to school children? Someone approaches me and asks if I want to be on the serving station. A wide grin spreads across my face and I nod. How come no one told me that we cater to children? This is a big thing for me! I love children! I want to be a teacher one day and have kids of my own. 

One by one the children walk up and I serve them food. Helping so many people in such a short span of time fills my heart with absolute joy. Hearing so many thank you’s and then following I see them all eat and socialize in happiness. It makes me to happy to see such a sight. I have made up my mind. I want to stay here. I want to get more experience with children and after speaking to some of the other staff, they need someone who is excited about kids. No one else here seems to like children. It is a bit upsetting but I can see why. They’re loud, messy and sometimes obnoxious. 

I spend the rest of the evening cleaning up after them and I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to do hard work in my entire life. I go home and before I can tell Lilith of anything, I pass out from pure exhaustion.


	3. A Bad Workplace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex thought she scored an amazing job, though it isn't what she thought it would be.

Ouch. My everything hurts. I lift my head and look around, but the room is blurry. What time is it? I pick up my phone to look at the time but it’s dead. Oops. I forgot to put the damned thing on charge before I fell asleep. I look around the room, it’s dark but Lilith is still awake playing video games. 

“Hello, feeling any better?” She asks me, her eyes still fixated on the screen in front of her.   
I shake my head and groan. I do not feel well. What’s the point of exercise if it’s going to hurt? Ugh. I sit up slowly and everything starts to spin. I think I might throw up. I pick up my water bottle and take a long, refreshing drink from it. Ah, that’s a bit better.   
Lilith pauses her game and smiles at me. “Lucky we bought that giant container, hey?” She walks to the bathroom and I hear crashing noises for a few moments, then the shower turn on. I crawl on my hands and knees towards the bathroom. Ouch this is a heck of a lot of pain. My entire spine is on fire. I don’t think I’ve ever exercised my body so hard in my life before. I don’t like it.   
When I reach the bathroom, I smile. Lilith is so smart. She took the giant container we bought, put it under the shower and is currently filling it up to make a poor person’s bathtub. We don’t own a bathtub due to lack of room. 

 

I slowly grab the handle of the bathroom door and ever so carefully lift myself from the floor. I scream out in pain and let go. Lilith catches me as I fall back down to the floor. She carefully helps me stand back up and helps me get undressed, trying to limit movements as to avoid hurting me more. This is embarrassing. Not the fact she is helping me, but the fact that just one night of work has hurt me this badly. She helps me sit in the makeshift bathtub and makes sure I am comfortable before turning the shower off. I’d love to have the shower running whilst I sit here, but the hot water has already run out. 

I am really enjoying the healing warmth of the water spreading to my aching bones. I definitely deserve this. It might not be the most comfortable way to bathe but it is definitely helping. Man, what would I do without Lilith? I’d probably be dead in a gutter somewhere to be honest. Seriously. 

She helped me move out of an abusive household and when I couldn’t find permanent housing, she asked me to live with her. I owe her so much. I will never stop thanking her. She even went through the effort to drive me half an hour every day through peak hour traffic to get me to my last year of school. I tried to drop out but she just kept encouraging me to finish. Telling me things like, today is only two hours or that there was only a month left to finish. It is because of her, that I have accomplished what I thought was impossible for me to do on my own. It’s because of her, that I am able to try and work. It’s because of her, that I don’t associate my birthday with bad thoughts. 

I mean, the first two birthdays I spent out of home would have been completely ruined if it weren’t for her. The first one, no one was interested in showing up and my father posted some sensitive stuff on social media which really upset me. Saying that I belong with him and all this other crap. Also, my mother started a huge fight with me because my brother Eren visited to make sure I had a good birthday. I and Lilith drove 12 hours to pick him up and my father tried to abduct me whilst I was in the area. Obviously, it didn’t work. Anyway, that’s when Lilith took me and got me Max, my lizard. The next birthday was a similar situation, no one wanted to show up, family started crap. Bleh. It was all so unsettling. Ugh. Anyway, that’s when Lilith bought me Pixie. This year I’m aiming to get a hermit crab for my birthday. It’s funny to me. I don’t care if I don’t get one though but I just absolutely thrive on caring for things. Especially pets and children. 

I shift a bit in the water and realize that it has gone cold. Great. That was way too quick for my liking. I hate this house. If I could just enjoy warm water for at least twenty minutes, I’d be a bit happier. I knock on the wall and Lilith comes in with a towel. She reaches and carefully helps me get out of the bath. She then wraps the towel around me and dries me off. She wraps the towel around my shoulders and helps me walk to the lounge room again.   
”Thank you” I whisper. She just pats my head. She helps me sit down on the couch and then turns the heater on and has it pointing in my direction.   
“Feeling any better?” She asks as she pops out some medicine into her hand and passes it to me.   
I take it from her and put it in my mouth, I drink some water from my bottle to get the medicine down. “A little, yes. Thank you.”   
She smiles at me. “Just focus on recovering for now, okay?” She says in a sweet tone. I nod my head and look down into my lap with a smile. “I work with kids.”   
“Wait, seriously?” Lilith shakes her head, obviously thrown off guard. I nod again. A giant grin spreads across her face and she softly hugs me. “That’s great Ro-ro!” 

We continue to talk for a while before she realizes that I am completely exhausted. She helps me put underwear on and guides me back into bed in which I instantly fall into a peaceful slumber. 

 

I wake suddenly. That’s a bit strange. I look around the dark room. What time is it? I look at the curtains and see through the crack that it is sunny outside. I pick up my phone and check the time. Ten in the morning. Ah. That’s why I woke up. I have a message… I stare at my screen for a few moments. My heart racing and a frozen breath. It’s a message from Matthew. I realize I am not breathing and take a deep breath in. Stupid Alex. Stupid. Breathing is for the living and you’re still alive. My hands shakily move to open the message. I breathe a sigh of relief to see the words “How was work?” I smile and reply. I tell him of how amazing it is to work with children and be keeping busy. I tell him about how I want to stay in the job. I tell him everything. I smile and put my phone down. I am thankful he still somewhat cares about me. Even if just a little. I put my head back on my pillow and pull the blankets back up to my chin. I close my eyes but then hear my phone vibrate again. I open the message which says “I’m glad you finally found a job you like.” I squeal and hug my phone. Is he finally coming to his senses? I hug Lilith and close my eyes. Things might be turning around. My bad streak of luck might be finally ending. 

A week has passed. I have handed in all the required documents into work and done a few shifts. Every shift is loud as children socialize with one another. On one of the nights a kid threw up after eating too much food. This job is so interesting. I am usually terrified of loud noises but here, I am not. 

Tomorrow is pay day so I am working really hard so I can enjoy my first pay when it arrives. Ever since the first night though, I’ve been on dish duty. I haven’t been in the hall serving the food. Just sitting here washing dishes over and over again. I don’t hate it. Once I get a song in my head and hum it to myself, then washing dishes comes easily. I am still unsure about Tess though. She seems scary to me but everyone else seems to get along well with her and love her. She acts cold towards me. Though I suspect it might be because she doesn’t know me that well. 

I’ve made a friend at work, his name is Mike. He also washes dishes and so we have a lot of time to talk to each other. Though sometimes when I make an attempt to talk to him, I think he zones out because he won’t reply. I worry it is just an excuse to not talk to me because I tend to talk a lot when I am nervous. I know that sometimes I can be annoying but I get super anxious when no one is talking and so sometimes I have to fill the gap of silence. I don’t understand why this happens though. If I try to be silent, I end up feeling depressed. 

Anyway, Mike seems to be super enthusiastic and optimistic. He usually excitedly yells “Let’s get this done fast tonight, buddy!” to me and somehow his enthusiasm rubs off on my and I feel I have to work faster so I can make him smile. When ever I talk about depressing events he just tells me to not think about it or not to let depression ruin my life because I am alive now. Though I try. I want to be a happier person but depression isn’t just a switch in which you can flick on and off. It’s stuck there until something happens in which gets rid of it. A few people have told me to take medication to help but I don’t want some pill to change who I am. I know that it works for other people but I’ve taken antidepressants before. It made me strange. I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I’d prefer to have negative emotions than to have no emotions at all. 

It’s near the end of the shift. My roster said I would be finished at ten. I have asked Lilith to be outside, ready to pick me up then. I am sweeping and my wrist hurts a lot. I’ve overworked it. I try to sweep to the best of my ability with an aching wrist but every movement hurts more. I am still managing to sweep at my normal pace though. One of the workers named Cas walks out into the hall and watches me sweeping. She looks at her watch impatiently and taps her foot. “Come on Alex, hurry up please.” She says and walks out of the room. I sigh and try sweep as fast as I can whilst still doing a good job. My wrist burns and the pain travels up to my elbow. I keep pushing through and sweeping to the best of my abilities. Not even a minute after, Cas walks out again and yells at me to hurry up. Claiming that next week will be super busy and I am just not good enough. I push as hard as I can to sweep fast. What if I get fired for not being good enough? What if I am super slow and I just don’t know about it. Everyone hating me but not saying anything. No. Don’t think like that Alex. Just focus on work. Just… “Come on Alex! Sweeping isn’t that hard! You’re being really slow!” Cas yells and walks out again. 

Please don’t yell at me again. I’m working as hard as I can possibly work. I’m trying. I don’t want to get in trouble. Please stop yelling. A tear forms in my eye and I quickly wipe it away. If she yells at me again I don’t know if I’m just going to break down or walk out. I hope she doesn’t yell at me again. It’s too much. Before I know it, I have swept the entire hall. I walk back into the kitchen and everyone has finished cleaning it. “You can go home now.” Cas says coldly. 

I shakily walk to the cupboard to get my bag. The door is locked. Great. Just great. I look around for Tess. “Did Tess go home?” I ask. Mike nods his head. “Yeah, why?” I point to the door. “My bag is in there.” The others around me look at each other in worry. They then look at me. “Do you really need it?” They ask. Are you kidding me? Of course I need it! I always need my bag! I keep all my important stuff in there. Ugh. Why is this happening to me? “Yes. It has my wallet and my phone in it.” Someone else steps forward. “Yeah but aren’t you working tomorrow? I mean, can’t you go without them till then?” I frown. Um. What if I got pulled over by the cops and they wanted to see my ID? I could get in a lot of trouble. These people are adults, they should know this. “You’re asking me to go without identification and communication for a whole day in this society? I mean, I live in the city in an area that constantly has crime. I can’t use Lilith’s phone because it always turns off and doesn’t make phone calls. What would I do?” The person sighs and starts walking out of the kitchen. “Fuck this shit, she can’t be reasoned with. I’m not staying around for the destruction. See you later.” 

What? Um. What?! What did I do? I’m just being reasonable. I do need these things. I’m pretty sure I can be arrested if I don’t provide identification on demand from the cops. I wouldn’t be able to stop freaking out if that happened.   
“Why can’t we just call Tess and get her to come unlock the cupboard?”   
Cas rolls her eyes and speaks up “Tess lives an hour away from here, I don’t want to be the person to call her and make her angry. She was already in a horrible mood when she left.”   
I sigh. Fine. I’ll just… I’ll just leave them here then. Sigh. I don’t want to make Tess mad. I’m pretty sure she already hates me. I’ll just have to be super careful. 

I finish up my shift and sign off. I’m in a horrible mood. I’ve been yelled at and pushed around, I’ve been treated like I am a nuisance and to top it all off, my personal belongings have to stay here until I come back in tomorrow. How in the heck do I survive tonight? My medication is in my bag. I mean, I can go without my medication for one night but I’m going to be sick until I take it tomorrow. This whole night has been a big mess. 

 

I walk out the front of my work place and see my car. Lilith has someone in the passenger seat. Who is that? I walk closer to see it’s my friend Blaze. She is also Hazel’s best friend but she understands why I hate Hazel and is okay with that. I go to the back of the car and get into the backseat. I put on my seat-belt and sigh.  
“What’s wrong?” Lilith asks me.   
“I’ve had such a horrible night.” I groan and slouch into my seat.   
“What happened?” Blaze asks with concern.   
“I got yelled at multiple times by one person, someone else kept treating me like a parasite as though I was a burden on everyone and Tess has gone home early and so I can’t get my bag until my shift tomorrow!”   
Lilith parks the car and turns around to look at me. “Why didn’t someone just call Tess and get her to come back so you can get your things?”   
“She lives an hour away, she was in a bad mood, I’m pretty sure she already hates me.” I reply as I stare at the floor. I don’t want to make her more mad. I really don’t like when people hate me. I care very much about how people see me and I don’t want someone to hate me. It hurts me too much.   
Lilith, Blaze and I spend a few minutes discussing what things we could do but the only answers that came up involved me annoying Tess which I made it clear I didn’t want to do. 

When we get home we spend the evening talking about how I am handling work, how my mental health regarding Matthew is going and a few other things. Blaze tells Lilith and I about some of the events regarding Hazel. I don’t feel very well. I want to talk about this stuff but it is still so fresh and painful. Hearing the name Matt makes me sick to the stomach and makes my heart hurt. It feels as though a close family member died. I counted him as my big brother. I try my best to distract myself for the evening. Anything to keep my mind off of Matthew.

The next day when I get to work, I am pulled aside by Lou whom is second in command in the kitchen. He smiles at me.   
“Hey, so I heard you had some problems last night. Want to tell me what happened?”   
I explain to him about how Cas had been yelling at me a lot even though I was trying my hardest to work to the best of my abilities even with my sore wrist. I then tell him about how everyone else started treating me badly after that and the whole bag incident. He listens carefully.   
“Don’t worry about Cas. She’s been snappy at everyone lately. It isn’t just you. Though this situation has gotten out of control. I’ll make sure she is dealt with immediately. Also, with the bag, just keep it in this room instead from now on.” I nod and continue my shift.

I don’t receive an apology from Cas. She does though for a while ignore me completely. After a week or so, she starts talking to me as though nothing has happened. She treats me like a normal work mate. Though I still feel angry at her. It still feels like Tess hates me. No one in the kitchen cares to help me when I ask for it.


	4. Downward Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything just seems to be going wrong.

I hate my job. Everyone in the workplace is mean to me. Whether or not it is intentional in all cases is beyond my knowledge, but I hate it. I try my hardest to get people to like me but instead, they just avoid me more. Whether I work my hardest and ignore everyone, whether I just be my strange self or even act similar to others. All my attempts to make a friend have all ended in complete failure. It really hurts me.

I find it hard to sleep, knowing that I have to go back there. I thought it was going to be my dream job. That I would beg to stay there for the next year or so. But now I fear that I will be stuck there. Every minute I spend in that area full of negativity that the others release makes me feel sick to the stomach and it fuels the depression in which I had before I begun work. 

Every day I am not working, instead of enjoying my day, I find myself worrying that I have work soon. I can’t enjoy anything anymore due to the anxieties in the back of my head all the time. I find myself forgetting days. I can’t remember yesterday. I can’t remember much at all except for the negatives. I am trying my hardest to keep important information but I just can’t remember. I am forgetting the dates and times of appointments, what I ate my last meal, promises I made. They’re all just… Gone. 

I sit at home, writing my stories. Trying to keep my mind off the inevitable. Though I find myself continuously writing depressing things. I don’t want to write depressing things. I want to write a happy, bubbly story. I stand up and stretch my limbs. I’ve been trying to write for hours now. I can’t even write about the things that are happening to me. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to. But I am worried that I will forget, so I’ve written down the big events that have happened to me in hopes that it will eventually jog my memory to help me write. 

I walk over to my giant plush pile and just stare at it. There’s got to be at least a hundred in there. Each one with a name. Each one with a story behind it. I love plush toys. I fall into the pile and lie there. Lots of different soft textures hugging my skin. It’s comfortable. I feel like I could sleep here. I grab a few and hug them close to me. I squeeze them tightly and press my face into one of them. Don’t cry Alex. Don’t cry. Things aren’t that bad… Are they? Yes. They are. I finally have a job for the first time in ages. A proper job… Instead of being like everyone else and ignoring the bad things, I dwell on them. Why can’t I be normal and just ignore it?

Both Matthew and my childhood friend Keith are telling me that I am over exaggerating. Telling me to ignore the pain and to just work. I hate when people try to tell me that my emotions are easy to ignore. They are not me. They don’t have MY emotions. My emotions come at me like a tidal wave. I can’t block it. I try but it never works. I told them that I hate my job and they told me that everyone does. I told them that I am bullied at work, they tell me that it is a common thing. That all my jobs in the future will be the same. I hope not. This is wrong. To be this fearful of work is not right. I’m starting to suspect that work isn’t the problem. It’s me. I just… I just want to be able to hold a job… I want to be able to put emotions on hold… I just want to be… Normal.

 

Tonight, I plan to do something I hate and I plan to enjoy it. I am going to drink my worries away. I am completely against the idea of drinking till you drop… or even drinking at all. I am more against the idea of drinking to forget though. But things in my life are just so wrong, I need to forget it. I need to just have a night where I am not in control of what I do. I am mad at myself for letting it get this bad. I am especially mad at myself for being so bad mentally that Lilith has to take care of me. She isn’t too happy that I am going to be drinking tonight… But she understands. She is going to keep an eye on me and another friend of mine named Dean is going to come make sure I don’t hurt myself. I am going to be drinking at home. Just because I’m trying to be irresponsible doesn’t mean I want to be in danger. I’m trying to make sure that I have a safe drinking experience. 

I open the first bottle of cider and take a sip. It’s sweet and really tasty. I haven’t had this specific cider in bottle form before. It tastes better. Some people say that a drink is the same in all forms but I can taste the difference between canned drinks and bottled drinks. I drink half the bottle of cider and sigh. So tasty. Lilith was kind enough to download some games on her phone so I can try them out. I unlock the phone and bring up a game that involves taking care of a cat. One of the mini-games in it is playing songs on a piano. I play that game for a while, taking turns with Dean. 

I am on my sixth bottle of cider, Dean and I are still playing that damned cat game. Well, Dean is now. I don’t know if I have been drinking fast or we’ve played the game for hours. I don’t know. I open my phone and look in my messages. My brother Eren has messaged me. “Hello.” He sent. I could reply by message or I could call him. Calling sounds like it would be so much more fun. I type his name into my phone and call him. 

“Hello!” He speaks excitedly like every conversation we have.   
“You need to move here! I miss you!” I say loudly into the phone.   
“Alex… Are you… Drunk?” He replies in a confused tone but also chuckling.   
I laugh. I laugh harder. I have tears in my eyes, I am laughing so hard. “Yeah, I am having a rough time at the moment,” I say back finally.   
“Work?” He asks.   
“Yeah, work. That stupid place is fucking me up.” I roll my eyes and stand up. Dean grabs my wrist and makes me sit back down. I roll my eyes again. “Dean isn’t letting me stand up!” I complain to Eren. He laughs.   
“This area is too small for a drunken person to waltz around in. You’ll break something.” Lilith says casually as she plays her game on the console. I groan and cross my arms.   
”Eeeeereeeeen. Lilith’s being a meanie.” I whine.   
Eren laughs again. I huff and then lean back against the wall.   
“Soooooo, whatcha doing little bro?” I ask as casually as I can.   
He and I talk for a while. Eren is great. He is my best friend. I complain to him about work and Matthew and a bunch of stuff. Eventually, he has to go and so tells me to stay safe and then hangs up the phone. 

I sit here with my twelfth bottle of cider. All my emotions just feel like they are clouds and I am floating. I feel like I could run a marathon but I don’t want to move. I am not at peace, I don’t know what else to really say that could help explain what this feels like. I’m not sure about anything right now.

Suddenly, I feel enough confidence to finally do what I should have done a while ago. Tell Matthew how I feel. I look at Dean and Lilith, they seem distracted. I casually go through my contacts and hover over Matthew’s name. He needs to know how he has hurt me. I’ve been wanting to tell him for a while now but… I’ve been too scared of how he will react. Now I can do it. Because I’m in the state of mind where it won't matter until tomorrow. It’s my only chance. I look at the time, it is two in the morning. He’ll still be awake. I dial the number and put the phone to my ear. 

“Alex?” He asks confused. “What’s wrong?”   
This is it. The moment of truth.   
“I hate my job,” I say loudly. “I hate it so much. I don’t want to go back.”  
Both Lilith and Dean look at me and groan when they notice I am talking on the phone. “I should have confiscated that,” Lilith whispers.   
The other end of the phone is silent. Please reply. I didn’t call you for nothing.   
Finally, he answers. “Are you okay?”   
Thousands of answers rush into my brain. It’s almost too much to handle. Heaps of bad memories flood in and before I know it, I am yelling.   
“No! I am not okay! I am stuck in a job that I hate, someone who is supposed to be my best friend is not even the same person anymore, my family hates me for who I am, I’m being bullied at work. I can’t handle any of it! You’re not here for me anymore and I just…” Tears rain down my cheeks. “I just feel so alone…” I cry over the phone. “I miss you, Matt… I miss you so much…” I wipe my cheeks and Dean pats my shoulder. Lilith looks at the floor, unsure of what to do. “We’re supposed to help each other Matt and I need your help… But you’re not you anymore and you act like you don’t care about me anymore.” 

I bite my lip and wait for the response. He stays silent for what seems like forever. This is too much. Answer me! Don’t just… Leave me waiting like you’ve been doing for a while now. I need an answer… Please…  
He finally talks. It’s so quick, I almost miss it. “I’ve got to go.” He hangs up immediately. I drop my phone. What have I done?

 

I wake in bed and stare at the roof. That was a disaster. I prepare for the incoming hangover but nothing happens. That makes me angry. I need to be disciplined for my actions. I want someone to hit me. I feel bad about what I’ve done but I don’t regret it. I needed to tell him. Though, I feel like I may have just ruined what minuscule amount of friendship we had left. Who am I? I am just a poor excuse for a human being. Everything has to be about me, doesn’t it? I punch the bed beside me. Wait… Where’s Lilith? I look around frantically and then sigh, she’s just sleeping on the couch. She does that sometimes. 

My heart beats slow and time feels even slower. What do I even do from here on? I look at my hand and sigh. I drop my hand over my face. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I have the strength to go back to work. Everyone hates me. They would probably roll their eyes at me if I needed medical attention. I pick up my phone to see if I have any messages. Nothing at all. He probably hates me now. 

I stare at my screen and almost as though on queue, my sister Lee starts calling me. What in the? She never calls me. I answer the phone.   
“Hey Lee, what’s up.”  
“Oh, nothing.” She says in a quiet tone. Something is wrong.   
“Lee, what’s wrong?” I ask in a stern tone.   
“I wanted to talk to you about something but I’m not sure if I should.” She says quietly.   
Uh oh. “What happened?” I ask as cautiously as I can.   
“Let me go to a quiet area.” She says. She then goes quiet for a few moments as she walks into a different room. I hear the door close. “I’ve been smoking cones at school.” She says it so casually and cool. As though she thinks I’ll approve.   
“Okay,” I speak slowly and quietly. My brain is silent.  
“I also smoke cigarettes now.” She says casually. “I’m having one now.”  
I blink a few times in confusion. Um… WHAT? She is fourteen years old. I wouldn’t care if she was eighteen and not breaking the law! I don’t like drugs. It’s up to each individual if they do them, but usually, something bad that has happened is what causes them to start.   
“Why?” I ask.  
“Why what?” She replies.   
“Why are you smoking cigarettes and weed?” You know what I was talking about Lee. Don’t just call me and tell me this out of the blue. You had to have had a reason.   
“Because stuff at home is just getting so bad. I hate it here.” I hear her sigh. “I’m also cutting.” She says casually again. Why is she being so casual about this all!? This is serious stuff!   
“Lee…” I sigh. I don’t know what to say… I can’t just tell her that she can’t do it because I’ve also done that stuff when things got bad. I am glad I didn’t get addicted but… Lee probably already is. “Why did you tell me this?” I say in a soft tone.   
“I don’t know. Because I needed to tell someone.”   
“Is it because you don’t want to do it?” I ask. “Do you feel bad?”   
“I don’t know.” She says again. “My friends are doing it and they told me I just needed to chill out.”   
Chill out? That is a really old saying. It’s odd to hear from her mouth.   
“Lee… I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. I am not going to tell anyone about what you’ve just told me, but… Please listen to me when I say that drugs are really really bad. Cutting is worse. I don’t want you to ruin your life. You have barely begun it.” I speak softly to her and carefully to avoid her getting angered. Thankfully, she accepts what I say, we say our goodbyes and then shortly after, she hangs up. 

I spend the rest of my day trying to think of ways to help her. My mind is now crowded with work, Lee and what I said to Matt.   
How do I help Lee? I would just ask for her to stay with me for a few days but she has school and my mother doesn’t even want me talking to her. This is a difficult situation. I start tapping my leg and close my eyes tightly. 

“I can’t believe that she is where I used to be. That was hell for me.” I turn to Lilith. “I want to help her!” I yell.   
Lilith pulls me into a hug. “I know sweetie. I know. I don’t know what to tell you. There might not be much we can do except give her support.” Tears fall down my cheek and I nod my head. That’s one reason why I fell for Lilith, she doesn’t sugarcoat things. Only when it is needed.   
“She’s hurting and I just… I want to help her… She’s my little sister…” I whisper quietly into Lilith’s chest.   
“I know bubby.” She coos. “I know.” Lilith softly rubs my back to help calm me down. Shivers go down my spine as I slowly relax into her arms. I just want to do something for her. I don’t want her to… I don’t want to lose her. I care about her so much.   
Lilith just continues rubbing my back softly. She then kisses the top of my head and hugs me tighter. “All I can say is that you need to stay strong and to remember that I am here for you.” I nod my head again. Everything is such a mess. 

 

That night at work I am left in the kitchen alone to do dishes whilst everyone else is setting up the hall for the new school to arrive. I’m stuck into the routine of washing dishes and trust me when I say it is as annoying as it sounds. Honestly, so much stuff has happened lately that I would prefer people to be in the kitchen yelling at me than to be left alone here with nothing but my thoughts. I am in such a routine that my hands and feet are moving on their own. My brain is full of bad things and my eyes probably look lifeless. I put things away and continue the routine of washing and drying. Washing and drying. Washing and drying. 

Someone enters the kitchen and I pay no attention to them. I just focus on doing my job so I can go home sooner and just lie in bed. They come up and start drying some of the dishes and putting them away. Now that is odd. I look at them from the corner of my eye. She is a bit shorter than me, skinny and pretty. But not pretty as in bitchy and over the top. Just genuinely pretty. 

“Thank you,” I whisper.   
“No problem. I’m just doing my job.” She replies with a smile. 

I continue washing dishes and try my best to avoid talking. My chest feels a little sore from how stressed I am. That’s kind of normal though when I am stressed out. My stomach feels empty even though I ate not too long ago. I am not in the mental state to be trying to make new friends. I can’t afford what will happen if I fail again. A little while passes and we both work in silence. Every now and then she does try to ask me something but my useless brain got me to reply in either one-word answers or super short sentences. I’m worried that I may have upset her. I don’t want to come across as rude. 

“I’m sorry that I am not talking much…” I say quietly. “I am not in a great head space right now.”   
The girl smiles at me and nods her head. “I completely understand. It’s okay. I have problems too.”  
For some weird reason, this comforts me. I smile for a moment and then I frown again and continue to stare at the endless pile of dishes.   
“I also have anxiety but that isn’t the reason I am not all that talkative.” I twiddle my fingers and my hands start to shake. No, stop. Don’t go blabbing out your personal life to someone you just met. She’ll hate you. She’ll think you’re strange. Stop!  
”Do you want to talk about it?” She asks. NO! Do NOT talk about it.   
“Kinda. Do you mind?” Ugh. Go ahead Alex. Just blurt out your life story to this random stranger. I am so freaking dumb.   
”Not at all,” she replies with a smile.  
What? Doesn't she mind if I talk about personal stuff right off the bat? I sigh and take a deep breath in. Here it goes. Time to see if she is different from the rest.

“I just got a call today and my sister told me she is doing drugs… And self-harming… And smoking… She is in such a bad place that she feels this is the only way to feel better. I would go comfort her and try help but I’m banned from seeing her from my mother. I am lost and don’t know what to do.”   
The girl nods in understanding. “I’ve been there. After work, I’ll give you my number and if you want, give it to her and she can call and talk to me. I won’t tell anyone anything.”   
My eyes widen in shock and I place the dishes in the sink and turn to her. My heart racing in confusion. “You’d do that? For someone you don’t even know?”   
She smiles. “Yeah, I would.”   
I am so confused. She is so nice. She works in the same disgusting place as I do and she is just so… kind. I find out her name is Mia.  
We spend the rest of the shift discussing different techniques on how to approach my sister. We also discuss our families. She has two daughters and she is in the middle of some huge relationship problem. I comfort her the same way she comforts me. This feels like the beginning of a great friendship. 

 

I awake in pain, as usual after a long night of work. This time though, it doesn’t bother me as much. Lilith stretches and yawns. I do the same. I feel hungry but I want tasty food. “Wanna go get breakfast out?” I ask. She smiles and nods. “You read my mind.” We both get dressed and go downstairs to the car. I scream.   
”What?!” Before me is my car but the side view mirror has been smashed and is on the ground. My body shakes with anger and frustration. My chest hurts a little. Lilith groans in annoyance. “We can’t drive with this. So much for fucking breakfast out.” I kick the wall and growl. “Why can’t we just live happily?!” I yell. Lilith scoffs. “That’d be too easy.”   
So much for having a nice breakfast together.


End file.
